I feel as if this image is mirroring my life. I try to do everything I can to live my life to the greater glory of God, but there is this rift in between that I am afraid to cross because of the crashing waters underneath. I ask for God's help everyday. I ask for God's guidance. But when He asks me to take the leap of faith I don't listen. I take little steps to bring myself closer: going to Mass often, praying daily, looking for Him in my daily life. But then I do things that push me completely away from Him: drugs, alcohol, smoking. I want to welcome God into my life, into my body, but I keep hurting it. And I still just can't bring myself to make that jump across the pier, stopping my hurtful habits.
Lord, grant me the strength to treat my body as a temple, so that you may enter into it and bring me back to your open arms.

a tribute to new orleans

you were torn apart
in the blink of an eye
the city of art
watching dreams just float by
so much promise
all left behind
so many artforms
wandering blind

so where do you go?
what do you do?
your city is destroyed
and no one is behind you
the world that you knew
once had seemed so strong
with one act of god
all of it's gone

so here it stands
at least what remains
the beautiful land
now blotted with stains
how do you rise?
how do you win?
with the whole world against you
you're losing yet again

so where do you go?
what do you do?
your city is destroyed
and no one is behind you
the world that you knew
once had seemed so strong
with one act of god
all of it's gone

stuck in this world
of politics and race
nothing's getting done
we're still without our place
so hopeless is our cause
but yet again we'll rise
through poverty and senseless hate
let this city be our prize

but where do you go?
what do you do?
your city is destroyed
and no one is behind you
the world that you knew
once had seemed so strong
with one act of god
all of it's gone

it's 5:53, and i'm nearing the end of an all-nighter for my music lit final. thank god for coffee. I am so happy with finishing one of my essays, but i know i'm going to fail the exam. why try then? well, i want to prove to myself that i can work hard and accomplish something, even if it means only getting the take home part right. i worked my ass off on it, and i'm happy with it. i don't know ANY of the rest of it, but oh well. that's life. other than that, i'm just rambling, listening to jack johnson in the library. what a night. i'll almost miss new orleans...
by the way, carolyn jackson, you are forever my hero. you need not worry about me. i'm not going anywhere for a long time. i'm here for you, babe.

How fitting that my first image to write about is of my favorite thing about going to school in Chicago. Where is God here? Is He on the rocks? Is he in the sunset? The water? The ever constant wind that Chicagoans come to hate in the winter? Actually, I think the wind is the best place to start. All year there is constant wind blowing off the lake. During the summer, it is a cooling breeze, welcomed by those standing on the rocks, overlooking the beauty of the lake. But during the winter, when parts of the lake turn to ice, and the temperature dips below zero, we want nothing more than for that wind to stop, as it chills our bones. I think we find ourselves in a similar place with God. When everything is going well for us, when the world is bright and sunny and warm, we welcome the cooling breeze of His love. We stand "on the rocks," looking at such a beautiful sunrise as the world begins a new day, and we feel His warmth and His love. But during the gray winters, when the world seems so bleak, we stay inside, away from the breeze, now cold and biting. When things get to hard to do on our own, we shy away from God, because we know that what He wants us to do may be hard. But if we are to bring happiness to ourselves, we must follow what the Lord asks of us.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
thank god for johnny pecher. after having the worst month of my life, losing my vocal scholarship, and trying to figure out what to do with my life, nothing matters because i'm here at truman with people i care about and who care about me. still have no idea what to do with life when sunday comes and i have to drive back to new orleans. but oh well.

when i speak and cross my fingers
will you know you've been deceived?
i find the need to be a demon.
a demon cannot be heard.

who am i? seriously, who the fuck am i? i am weak. i've allowed myself to fall into a trap of depression, anxiety, and panic. and now i am trying ever so desperately to crawl out. god please help me. i need something, some strength or guidance. i'm falling apart at the seams. i can't take this much longer....

everyday i try to find a way
but somehow it keeps killing me inside
the slow but steady fleeting light
going out before i find

my way through this mad world
i'm laying here all curled
my stomach tight
this fleeting light
is killing me tonight

what if i said goodbye
so i won't feel a thing
what if tonight's the night
and tomorrow i won't be
because today is the day
yesterday is gone
tomorrow i won't feel a thing
unless tomorrow comes

and i want to find
my way through this mad world
i'm laying here all curled
my stomach tight
this fleeting light
is killing me tonight

so what if i say goodbye
so what if tomorrow i'm gone
so what if my world turns to dust
just please forgive me, i know i must
find my way